A Sobering Realization- It’s THM Time

I am a huge fan, even if a late bloomer, of a few comic tv series. The one that is my most favorite- the one I cannot miss no matter what; the one that sparked my newfound addiction to comic television shows- is ARROW which is, of course, a tv show about the famous DC character Green Arrow. This newfound addiction has of course led to major fandom of Olive Queen a.k.a Green Arrow played by the incredible Stephen Amell.

Now I will admit that I have not been watching Arrow since it first aired. In fact, I marathon watched the first 3 seasons in about a one week period; and haven’t missed an episode since. Not since Charmed have I been this addicted (for lack of a better term) to a tv show and its characters.

In a profound moment of utter joy and absolute star-struck child-like giddiness, I was able to meet my tv show hero, Stephen Amell- the Green Arrow. I, along with my hubby and kiddo, attended our very first comicon yesterday for the sole purpose of getting to see this acting genius in all his real-life glory. It was a very brief but exciting moment and one that I will remember for years to come thanks to having captured it in photo form.

This amazing moment of my adult life will go down as one of the more notable ones in my book of memories, and also as one of the most sobering and gut punching reality checks. Upon receiving our amazing “family” photo with Stephen, my mind suddenly went negative. My first comment and only comment was “well this would be a great picture if I wasn’t in it.” After seeing myself and the shock of reality, I couldn’t get out of that convention center fast enough.

Talk about wake up call. I look like a cow. Those were the words I used when describing this moment to my friend.

It is true that in the past 5 years I have gained, at least, 60 pounds. I say at least because I haven’t been on a scale since Jan 1. My weight has ballooned out of control and I have done nothing to stop it. I have yo-yo’d at best for about a year, or so. Lose a few, gain a few more. I have procrastinated and blinded myself to the reality of just how out of hand it has gotten.

I am saddened by the fact that I can’t be happier about a once in a lifetime moment because I can’t get past the size of my body. I just met someone of whom I am a huge fan (dare I say a celebrity crush)- face to face. And all I can think about is how fat I am. This, my friends, is a sign that it is time to jump in head first and live- really live! It’s time to take my health into my own hands; to get control over it once and for all, and to look back on memories with joy and happiness not sadness and body shame.

I have the tools I need, now I’m going to put them to use. Today I am getting ready to step into the Trim Healthy Mama life permanently. No looking back. I will set no “deadlines.” I will not push myself to hit a number goal by a calendar day. I will just focus on one day at a time; one healthy meal at a time. No matter how long it takes, I will embrace this journey and remind myself that I will reach that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow in my own time. No pressure. No unrealistic expectations. No more failure. Only success.

Here’s to a new healthy life! And to one day getting a chance at another photo with my comic hero, without any negative thoughts!

P.S: the photo was taken by Epic Photos and is a quality print. I took a picture of the picture in order to share it in this post.

P.S.S: I really do have a huge fan-crush on Oliver Queen; who wouldn’t? He is incredibly coooool and pretty darn sexy too 😉

P.S.S.S: I was more giddy meeting Stephen Amell than when I met Roman Reigns. How is that even possible? 

P.S.S.S.S: I promise this is the last one. If you don’t know what THM is, I highly suggest you check out Trim Healthy Mama. There is a whole amazing life-changing network available to you. And if you’re anything like me, you need all the support you can get!

Menu Plan Monday, Episode 1

I stumbled on the neatest link party a couple weeks ago; one that involves something I do on a weekly basis- menu plan! Since we started a keto way of living, I’ve found it much easier to get through the week without cheats if I plan the week in advance. Plus it really helps make grocery shopping so much easier.

I have several weeks of menu plans already because I like variety and have found that this low-carb lifestyle can be somewhat limiting. For that reason, I am constantly on the search for new recipes to test and try!

Speaking of recipes- I am working on building my recipe box but that will take a little bit of work as I have roughly 600 or so saved. Stay tuned!

Back on topic….

Here is our menu for this week, keto-style <3

MONDAY: Cheeseburger Soup

TUESDAY: Creamy Garlic Chicken with Roasted Spaghetti Squash

WEDNESDAY: Mini Italian Meatloaves with Bacon Brussels Sprouts Au-Gratin

THURSDAY: Spinach Artichoke Dip Casserole with Garlic Butter Chicken

FRIDAY: Hamburger Sausage Alfredo Casserole

SATURDAY: Family Date Night, Restaurant TBD

SUNDAY: Chicken Caesar Casserole

Tired and Broken

I think I have reached my breaking point.

I have spent more decades than I care to remember putting other peoples’ feelings before mine. I have buried my feelings and put aside my sanity for the sake of holding on to people and relationships that I love. I have lost myself somewhere along the way, or maybe I was always lost and just never realized it. This tug of war has hit its peak. I don’t have any fight left in me. Every ounce of strength I may have once had is gone. I am physically and emotionally drained.

I. Am. Tired.

I am tired of protecting people who don’t deserve protection. I’m tired of suffering alone because of the shame that I have carried with me my entire life. I am tired of feeling guilty because I no longer want to suffer. I am tired of feeling angry because the pain suffocates me.

I am tired of not speaking up out of fear of rejection from the very people who are supposed to be my support system. I am tired of feeling like taking care of myself is selfish. I am tired of feeling as though I did something wrong because the actions and choices of others somehow discredit me.

I am tired of not being understood. I am tired of being judged. I am tired of feeling worthless. I am tired of hiding from the world. I am tired of not knowing who I am. I am tired of the ups and downs and highs and lows that make me want to never ever step into society.

I AM TIRED!

I’m tired of pretending this giant elephant is not in the room. I’m tired of pretending that this problem doesn’t exist; that THIS THING didn’t happen. It did. It happened to ME. I am tired of pretending that I don’t struggle to live every single day of my life because this demon weighs so heavy on my soul.

I’m tired of facing this day in and day out and feeling so hopeless and alone and ashamed and guilty of something I did not choose and had absolutely no control over. I am tired of being the one who suffers because of the acts of someone else. I am tired of being a victim and not knowing how to survive.

I am tired……. I am broken.