I think I have reached my breaking point.
I have spent more decades than I care to remember putting other peoples’ feelings before mine. I have buried my feelings and put aside my sanity for the sake of holding on to people and relationships that I love. I have lost myself somewhere along the way, or maybe I was always lost and just never realized it. This tug of war has hit its peak. I don’t have any fight left in me. Every ounce of strength I may have once had is gone. I am physically and emotionally drained.
I. Am. Tired.
I am tired of protecting people who don’t deserve protection. I’m tired of suffering alone because of the shame that I have carried with me my entire life. I am tired of feeling guilty because I no longer want to suffer. I am tired of feeling angry because the pain suffocates me.
I am tired of not speaking up out of fear of rejection from the very people who are supposed to be my support system. I am tired of feeling like taking care of myself is selfish. I am tired of feeling as though I did something wrong because the actions and choices of others somehow discredit me.
I am tired of not being understood. I am tired of being judged. I am tired of feeling worthless. I am tired of hiding from the world. I am tired of not knowing who I am. I am tired of the ups and downs and highs and lows that make me want to never ever step into society.
I AM TIRED!
I’m tired of pretending this giant elephant is not in the room. I’m tired of pretending that this problem doesn’t exist; that THIS THING didn’t happen. It did. It happened to ME. I am tired of pretending that I don’t struggle to live every single day of my life because this demon weighs so heavy on my soul.
I’m tired of facing this day in and day out and feeling so hopeless and alone and ashamed and guilty of something I did not choose and had absolutely no control over. I am tired of being the one who suffers because of the acts of someone else. I am tired of being a victim and not knowing how to survive.
I am tired……. I am broken.