I think I have reached my breaking point.
I have spent more decades than I care to remember putting other peoples’ feelings before mine. I have buried my feelings and put aside my sanity for the sake of holding on to people and relationships that I love. I have lost myself somewhere along the way, or maybe I was always lost and just never realized it. This tug of war has hit its peak. I don’t have any fight left in me. Every ounce of strength I may have once had is gone. I am physically and emotionally drained.
I. Am. Tired.
I am tired of protecting people who don’t deserve protection. I’m tired of suffering alone because of the shame that I have carried with me my entire life. I am tired of feeling guilty because I no longer want to suffer. I am tired of feeling angry because the pain suffocates me.
I am tired of not speaking up out of fear of rejection from the very people who are supposed to be my support system. I am tired of feeling like taking care of myself is selfish. I am tired of feeling as though I did something wrong because the actions and choices of others somehow discredit me.
I am tired of not being understood. I am tired of being judged. I am tired of feeling worthless. I am tired of hiding from the world. I am tired of not knowing who I am. I am tired of the ups and downs and highs and lows that make me want to never ever step into society.
I AM TIRED!
I’m tired of pretending this giant elephant is not in the room. I’m tired of pretending that this problem doesn’t exist; that THIS THING didn’t happen. It did. It happened to ME. I am tired of pretending that I don’t struggle to live every single day of my life because this demon weighs so heavy on my soul.
I’m tired of facing this day in and day out and feeling so hopeless and alone and ashamed and guilty of something I did not choose and had absolutely no control over. I am tired of being the one who suffers because of the acts of someone else. I am tired of being a victim and not knowing how to survive.
I am tired……. I am broken.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned a few things about myself. It’s actually an ongoing process of reflection and realization that I’ve been doing over the past few years. A slow process, but it’s teaching me things about myself that I didn’t know, or hadn’t yet realized, and reminding me of things I had forgotten.
I’ve never really felt the freedom to be myself; to be perfectly honest, I’ve never really known exactly who “myself” truly is. I’ve had an idea of myself influenced by everyone else’s vision of me. Their vision is not me and I’m slowly learning that it’s okay to not be someone’s ideal version of me. I’m slowly learning that it is sometimes necessary to cut those people out of my life; those who cannot accept the true me and not their ideal me. I’ve spent all of my life being afraid of letting anyone “in”; afraid of being rejected, not being good enough, being hurt and let down, and carrying shame for something I should never feel shame for. I have spent so many years keeping people at arm’s length that it takes every ounce of energy I can muster to walk out into the public. I don’t want to live under these shadows anymore.
This journey has reminded me of just how much shame and pain I’ve been carrying for more than three decades- the shame and pain I try so hard to bury deep down where nobody can see. I can fake it for the people around me- friends, family, strangers; I can put on a happy face and pretend life is wonderful, but I can’t lie to myself. Eventually, it always catches up with me. The pain I carry- these scars- are soul deep and at times it crushes me. I have to remind myself that this pain does not define me. I am more than these scars that I carry. I am more than the worthlessness that has been ingrained in me by those who claim to love me most- even if unintentional. This journey has taught me that I have to learn to love myself because that is something I’ve never done; and that it is okay to let go and be myself, even if that makes others uncomfortable. Even if they don’t like who I am. That’s okay, they don’t have to like me. This isn’t about them- this is about me, and nobody can take that from me. It is my life, my journey, and my healing.